Pandemic and sexual stress: 4 tips to revive passion as a couple

At the beginning of the pandemic, many psychology and sexology specialists heard their patients consult because sex was less frequent than usual before the outbreak of COVID-19. The subject was displaced by all other existential concerns and emotional problems. But as the world begins to reopen, interest in sex and concern about the effect of the pandemic on it, has increased.

“I wonder if we'll ever have regular sex again”, “we're out of habit and I don't know how to mention it” and “I just don't feel sexy after everything we've been through but I would like to” are some of the most common regrets that specialists hear.

Research indicates that sex has suffered the impact of the health crisis that is shaking the world over the past two years. A review of 22 studies from 2022, which included 2454 women and 3,765 men, found a decrease in sexual activity and higher rates of sexual dysfunction during the pandemic.

Another review of research from 18 countries, conducted until April 2021, showed that women experienced lower sexual frequency, as well as decreased sexual satisfaction.

Many factors have contributed to this compromised sexual functioning. Biological reasons include the fact that “people experienced more stress and fear, less exercise, worse diets, more alcohol and tobacco use, and increased use of antidepressants and anxiolytics,” said Ian Kerner, sex and relationship therapist in the city of New York and the author of the book Contame the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives (So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives) in dialogue with The Washington Post

In addition, rates of anxiety, depression and couple conflict, which adversely affect sex, have increased during the pandemic. Gail Guttman, a sex and relationship therapist in Washington DC, added that being stuck at home with a partner and children and not having privacy has also contributed to worsening sexual functioning.

Research indicates that a strong sex life is associated with greater individual and partner well-being, and that can be especially important during stressful times. An Italian study from January 2021, for example, found that both women and men who had sex during confinement due to the pandemic exhibited less depression and anxiety.

With coronavirus infection rates falling, the lifting of health restrictions and experts designing roadmaps that will hopefully leave the pandemic in our rear-view mirrors, now seems like a good time for couples revitalize their sex life.

“Here is an opportunity not only to get back to normal, but to make things better creatively,” said David Ley, a psychologist and sex therapist in Albuquerque. This seems especially important given that the frequency of sexual intercourse and other sexual activities as a couple was decreasing even before the pandemic.

Here are the four steps to revitalize sex life:

1. Deciding together that sex is important

If a couple wants to rekindle their sex life, it must be a mutual decision, followed by action. “People might think things will get better on their own. But we must prioritize sex if we want to see change,” said Cynthia Graham, professor of sexual and reproductive health in psychology at the University of Southampton, in the United Kingdom.

How do they prioritize sex? First, assess whether the level of trust and goodwill in your relationship provides a secure basis for rekindling sex. “Being able to come together and work together to improve your sex life, rather than seeing it as a 'me versus you' issue, is a good start,” Ley said.

Then make room for sex in your life, working together to identify and overcome barriers. Some couples may find that what is needed is to help each other reduce stress or fatigue, perhaps with reassignment or re-prioritization of responsibilities. Others may find that reviving their emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for physical intimacy; one way to do this is to take turns answering the 36 questions in this study that proved to increase closeness.

What is particularly important is to let go of any presumptions about your libido, the way sex is supposed to be, or what sexual intimacy will constitute on any given night. Expectations that they will feel a burning desire, experience fireworks in bed, and achieve simultaneous orgasms (ideas typically fueled by unrealistic representations) often backfire, as detailed by sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski in Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. It is interesting that a significant number of older people report having satisfying sex lives because they learned to let go of assumptions and accept their bodies.

“They should replace sexual desire with the will to show up and make movements that are pleasant to both of them and that can put you in the mood,” Kerner stressed. “Just being truly present helps a lot.”

2. Talk about sex

There is a paradox in our society: sex is apparently everywhere, all the time, in shows, videos, podcasts, magazines and advertisements, among other places, but couples at home avoid conversations about it. Many people express great anxiety at the idea of mentioning something related to sex when talking to their partners, especially if they anticipate some disagreement. Reflecting these observations, a 2017 study found that couples feel much more anxious about conflicting sex-related conversations compared to other topics.

Other research suggests that people in relationships are also reluctant to engage in sexual self-disclosure. “There is so much discomfort, shame and fear of rejection that it prevents people from talking about sex,” Ley said. “And yet, the only way to improve your sex life is to talk about what the optimal sex looks like for you and what stands in the way of achieving it. Sexual goals, preferences, fantasies, and differences in levels of desire can be communicated and negotiated with empathy and kindness.”

Graham explained that sexual communication is strongly related to sexual satisfaction and that “there is a reciprocal relationship between sexual communication and desire.” “Don't be shy, avoid or cancel the topic because that won't stop it,” he added. If they don't know how to approach the subject, any collection of sexually intimate questions, which can be found on relationship sites, could come up with some insights.

3. Ignoring the myth of spontaneity

Another cultural script that harms our sex life is the idea that, if you love each other, desire should appear out of nowhere, which leads to hot and spontaneous sex. It turns out that only about 15% of women experience so-called spontaneous desire (the percentage is higher in men), and the rest have a desire that responds to the context, such as erotic materials, a sexy whisper or sensual smells. Imagining such things can also increase desire.

Therefore, there is nothing wrong with planning sex. “People resist sex dating, but I remind them that sex was never really completely spontaneous,” Guttman said. “When you were dating someone and you thought there might be sex, you wore prettier underwear.”

Kerner suggests choosing a night to have sex and then “living all day in a pro-sex way.” Imagination is the limit of what this could look like.

4. Increase novelty and play (not just in the bedroom)

Imagination is also crucial when it comes to generating ideas and engaging in activities with a partner in a way that broadens their sense of self and their perspective on the world. Novel, surprising, and challenging activities have been shown to increase sexual desire and satisfaction. So being creative and, for example, joining a Mediterranean cooking class together, learning to dance salsa or acting like tourists in your own city, might help.

After two years in tattered casual wear, with limited interactions with the outside world, even dressing up and going out to dinner (maybe in a new restaurant with a cuisine you've never tried before) you'll feel adventurous and exciting. Even better if they make it a surprise. If they want an extra boost in libido, they could try activities that speed up their heart rate . Walking, biking, running or riding a roller coaster could be the solution.

The common theme here is to allow oneself to step a little out of the role of a goal-oriented “responsible citizen”. “The main advice I would give is: Play!” , emphasized Gutman. “Whether you're going to a bar and pretending you're meeting for the first time, or you're going on a little adventure to a sex toy store, in person or online, what matters is playing and laughing.”

Finally, “they can experiment with things that can improve arousal,” Kerner said. “Choose sexual scenarios that you think your partner would like and suggest them. You'll be surprised how often you appreciate that. Or enjoy erotic literature, a sexy podcast or Netflix show together.”

Now is our chance to rekindle passion and create better sex lives than before the pandemic. “Sex therapists across the country I supervise are noticing a sexual parallel with the Great Renunciation,” Ley said, referring to record employees who have resigned from their jobs during the health crisis. “There is an explosion of interest in trying new ways of relating and regenerating sparks.”

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